My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
