My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize