Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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