ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
