The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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