I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
