I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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