She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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