did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
