the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
