You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
