I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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