no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
