dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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