im six kinds of drunk right now
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
