when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You are the jesus of drinking
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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