just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
