You just made me feel so damn special
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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