had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My cat gives me a boner
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
