No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Quick, to the slutcave!
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize