The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
