really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Randomize
