You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
