I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize