I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
