You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
