i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
