i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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