I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
