jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
