does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
