that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
