so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
