If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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