Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
