Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
