I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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