I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I supernannyed him into submission
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
