she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My breath smells like gin and sadness
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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