i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
where are my eyebrows?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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