So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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