You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
