In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
