How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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