you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
