WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
