just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
