Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
