be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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