well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
