You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
