I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
