I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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